A Year Ago Today

About this time last year we were headed in for our ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. We were very excited to find out! We arrived into the room and they started to check all the measurements and make sure everything looked healthy. I remember feeling a pit in my stomach when the tech looked very concerned looking at the screen. I remember asking is something wrong? She said, "I can't seem to find part of her left arm?" I remember us thinking that can't be and it must just be hiding. At that point I just thought they had missed it. Then that tech went and got the head of the U/S dept and she said that our baby girl was missing part of her left arm. Something called amniotic band syndrome. I didn't even understand what she was saying and we were in total shock. I felt this is so unfair it was supposed to be a happy day finding out the gender of our baby and my joy was totally stolen from me. They left us alone for a bit to process what they had just told us. Bob began to pray as I was balling and so confused why this happened. I remember like it was yesterday.

They brought us in another room to meet with our OB and started explaining what they thought caused this. I don't even remember what she said, but I do remember her saying in the state of IL you are able to terminate up to 23 1/2 weeks if you don't want your baby. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. We said absolutely we would never do that, but in my head wishing my baby had all her limbs, and all these fears started floading my mind- How would she do things with one arm? Would I love her differently? how would people look at her? Will she date and one day get married? my mind was racing with fear wanting to already protect her. We were both so scared and fearful.

After 4-6 weeks of grieving I was coming to grips with the fact this was how God made her-Perfect. Maybe not our version of perfect, but God kept telling me I don't make mistakes just trust me. All we could do was wait and trust that God has a big plan for Madeline. 6 weeks after we found out about her arm I went into pre-term labor. In the hospital for 3 weeks, there was so much uncertainty and a chance of a possible still birth. Maddie came 3 months early at 2 pounds 1 oz, and amazed us from the moment she was born. Fighting her way through the NICU, working so hard to stay alive, she has amazed us ever since. We cannot imagine life without Madeline. All those fears I had a year ago have turned into joy and excitement for the things she will do and is already doing.

If you are grieving or going through something that seems difficult or impossible, God is there to help you every step of the way. His plan is WAY better than ours, and is perfect. God didn't promise an easy rode, but uses those hard times for us to draw near to him because he loves us that much. Luke 1:37 "For nothing is impossible with God."